Lee Pace auditioned for Peter Quill/Star Lord.
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
I want to take this moment to let everybody know that Ronan the Accuser looks like the worst member of KISS
Dear Racists: I know you’re going to to be trotting this out in the next few days claiming that this shows how white people are just as badly treated as black people in the US (though, of course, the idea that “it happens all the time” to white people is, of course, a ridiculous and disgusting lie).
But guess what, fuckheads, as usual, you’re wrong as fuck. The reason this tragedy isn’t national news is because, surprise surprise, a similar (ish) shooting of a white teenager by a black cop is being handled by the authorities completely differently! That’s right, you dumbfucks, this officer is being immediately and vigorously investigated, the officer’s name was released, the victim wasn’t denied medical care, nor was his body left on the street for hours. It’s almost like we treat black and white people differently in our justice system! And if you want to argue that the fucking Salt Lake City PD (oh shit, was I able to read about this case in the NATIONAL NEWS?!?!?! ) is racist against white people, you are fucking out of your mind.
So, nice try, you asshole, I know you were salivating over finding a case to compare this to Mike Brown, but, even with this timing, you’re not even fucking close to proving your racist “point.”
Is this thing from the Classical comedy perfection? Possibly.
- Donate money to have those arrested in Ferguson released on bail. These people belong on the streets, especially at a time like this.
- Send a note of condolence to the family of Michael Brown. Let’s not forget the tragedy that started this.
- Donate to the Michael…
I think I saw this about two years ago and I think about it a lot. And I sing it a lot. I need a pencil.
Nothing says White People Magazine more than a pastel-ey painting of a lady reading a book and reclining in front of a hedge with a dog. Thanks for coming through Lorenzo Mattotti.
Talk of the Town
TotT starts out this week with a little bit on crime and punishment in the viral video age. Margaret Talbot starts with the Eric Garner story which I’m super familiar with because they kept playing the video of the choke hold that led to his death on NY1 at my gym (THANKS PLANET FITNESS!). She then transitions to speaking about the Ray Rice incident, linking the two by the prominence of videos in both stories. She goes on to give the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, the harsh judgement he deserves. I care a little too much about football (FOOTBALLZ, the internet’s first/only/best alternative audio broadcast of Monday Night Football starts on September 8th! SYNERGY!) so I have lots of thoughts on this subject. I agree with Talbot that the two games that Rice was suspended for is pretty weak, especially when other players get suspended for an entire year just for smoking weed (which is actually legal in some of the states that these teams play in), but if you paid attention you’d know that this is pretty much par for the course when it comes to the NFL. Goodell and the owners that he serves, and don’t get it twisted he is there for the owners and not the players, are concerned only with the money that the game lines their already well lined pockets with. Ideas of “fairness” or “safety” or “justice” or “morals” only exist when they might effect the bottom line. Goodell knows that the insane way many people think about crimes against women in this country, or hell, even this world (see this) won’t stop people from watching the games once they start up so Ray Rice gets two games and an apology tour and there is nothing we can do about it (except don’t watch and that isn’t going to happen). Next up was something about Ebola but I’ve been told by scientists not to worry about it. After that there is a thing about the owner of Uniqlo going to a Uniqlo and how he has lots of nice stuff but doesn’t use it because he’s always working, man rich stuff is really wasted on the rich. Also apparently to work at a Uniqlo you have to memorize weird phrases like “Uniqlo is clothing in the absolute”. Uniqlo is a weird company but they sponsor museum stuff so keep getting people to buy your boring clothes old dude! To close out we get a thing about Roger Angell, who often writes for the magazine, getting inducted into the baseball writers hall of fame. GOOD JOB ROG!
The Financial Page
Here is something about how moguls are going the way of the dodo focussing on Rupert Murdoch’s bid to buy Time Warner. This dude knows he’s going to die at some point right? And that he doesn’t get to keep all this crap? Maybe he’s using all of his money to find a way to be uploaded into some sort of ever living computer suit or something. I’d almost be down with it if it involved Neil Cavuto and Charles Krauthammer’s life forces being siphoned off or something like that. I don’t know how it would work or anything but those guys really suck.
Blllleeeeeeccchchchchchchchchchchchhc, another in-the-end pointless series of words from total schmuck Malcolm Gladwell. This time he compares the mafia of the 20th century to the drug dealing of today and then comes to the amazing realization that they are different. THAT’S REALLY IT. There are other words in there and some anecdotes but that is pretty much how it shakes out. THANKS MALCOLM, I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT TIMES THAT HAPPENED TO DO SLIGHTLY SIMILAR THINGS WOULD HAVE DIFFERENT OUTCOMES IN AN EVER CHANGING WORLD. Yeeeeeesh, I would wonder how this guy is still allowed to have a space in the magazine but then I remember that they publish David Sedaris.
Shouts & Murmurs
Did not read.
This was an article about Nina Simone, Nina Simone was crazy and awesome, this article was awesome. Stop reading this and go listen to Nina Simone and think about how everybody who makes music today is kind of a coward compared to her.
Letter From Moscow
Before we get to the article I have to say that for some reason I could not stop staring at Vladmir Putin’s man breasts in the illustration that accompanied it. Barry Blitt really knows how to draw a hypnotic dude titty. The article itself shows the coarsening of Russian government during the Putin Regime through the story of Michael McFaul, the former US Ambassador to the country. I have to say despite all the horrible things that occur to the former diplomat he kind of comes off as a bit of a dick. I’m not saying that Russia is awesome and this guy brought this on himself because in the article you learn that Russia is currently very much not awesome but man I would not want to hang out with Michael McFaul.
This profile of architect Shigeru Ban has a lot of good stuff in it. Ban seems like a pretty fascinating dude and there’s lots about how architecture is vanity for a lot of super super rich and how things can be both beautiful and economical and eco-friendly but there needed to be more pictures. I enjoyed the long descriptions of materials I’ve never seen before in my life but seriously guys if you are going to have an article about building CAN WE PLEASE HAVE ONE PHOTO OF AN ENTIRE BUILDING? I know that I could just go onto the internet to see all sorts of Ban’s work but I’m reading a magazine BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE ON THE INTERNET FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. Anyway, other then the stunning lack of photos this article was great and actually made me want to go to Aspen to see Ban’s design. i won’t though because Aspen seems like it sucks and it also was a place that kids who beat me up would go to with their families.
Did not read.
The Critics: A Critic at Large
After reading this I really want to read Nixonland because Georg Packer makes it sound like a great book. He also lets everybody know that lots of stuff happened in the 70s despite what dickhead baby boomers might have you believe.
Did not read.
I did not want to watch The Knick before reading this review and I do not want to watch it after either. What can I say? It takes a lot to make me watch a non-post WWII period piece no matter how much Clive Owen rumples his forehead. Also, sorry Emily Nussbaum, there is no way I’m going to watch a show called Call the Midwife, I don’t care how rich a story it is supposed to have.
If you think I read Sasha Frere-Jones on Weird Al Yankovic then you are a total crazy person and should go to a crazy person hospital.
The Current Cinema
You know what else I don’t like seeing? Biopics. David Denby makes Get On Up sound okay so maybe if you want to go you should but I’ll just go get coffee while you do.
THIS ONE WAS PRETTY GOOD PALS, IF ONLY WE DIDN’T HAVE TO READ THAT DOPE GLADWELL THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST ISSUE.
Saturday morning’s regular 90s rap deep dive unearthed these facts:
Queen Pen is now a novelist
Teddy Riley’s brother is a terrible rapper
Nutta Butta’s 2009 video The Renaissance of Nutta Butta Ch 1 has 802 views
Steve Harvey is a super gross perv
In case you forgot TD Sidell moved to NEW YORK CITY and therefore has seen many celebrities. He figured that you guys were sick of trading stories about seeing Tom Menino getting his neck repuffed or Barbara Lynch correcting someone’s pronunciation of étouffée or…
MORE HOT CELEB TALK
—How Do U Want It
this is the best 2Pac song unless you are a dummy